chapter 1: me as a rule

Published: 31 Mar/2023 | Free Read

I make a lot of effort to maintain my neutrality, but occasionally my mood fluctuations disturb a small number of people. Roommates, closest friends, and individuals who just like having me around are all on the list. My roommates frequently direct a few curse words in my way. If they didn't explain the meaning to me, I wouldn't object. "Don't explain the significance to me, please. If I were to learn what they mean, it would hurt." I say. 

Our MBA courses at the university had started sometime in early January. I intended to convey a different psychological type, and that is what transpired. My initial personality is that of a quiet, introverted man who prefers to hang out in his spooky safety zone. The second personality resembles authority more so than a natural one. I enter God Mode, changing from an introvert to enthusiastic. I exhibit my extroverted personality when I encounter new people. My strongest stratum of intelligence and fiercest defense of my private life is this one. Only when a person starts to resemble my "significant other" does my introverted demeanor come to light. Not in a "girlfriend/boyfriend" sense, but rather as close pals. Even though my introverted personality may reveal my insider behavior, I am still very protective of myself. 

I couldn't help but speak because of my enthusiasm. After switching to God Mode, I felt worn out and bored because there was no one with whom to converse. As the majority of the teachers at the MBA program at BU knew me from back then, I talked to practically everyone there, even when there was nothing to say. I was accused of "buttering" the professors by some of my peers. Any such activity would be denied by me. After I transitioned to becoming extroverted, I could no longer control it. My brain is in overdrive and has no choice but to assist me in being social. My reserved personality would not let any of this. My teachers used to refer to me as "that guy with a peculiar accent" or "that boy with the weird surname" while I was in pre-university. However, every name used the adjective "strange", "weird." 

I realized I could be like another person. Let me first assure you that it is not psychological in nature. You may have thoughts about dual personality disorder and other things. I also gave it some thought. When a person exhibits two distinct faces and indicates a desire to hurt other people, dual personality is invoked. "Harm" is the essential term here. No harm is being done by me, is there? Most individuals can easily switch between being extroverted and introverted. There might not be anything called ambiversion. Just by changing the circumstances, people can quickly change their personalities. At the start of college, I made quite a few friends using this switching method. The majority of people looked up to me for my confidence because I had my personality rules in place. 

I soon entered the race for class delegate and likely came close to winning. I was chosen for the position without a vote, even though there was no contest. My peers misunderstood me for my CR role and as a person, and I got far too much unfavorable feedback. The faculty was all in favor of my presence, but a few classmates got their tongues tied around defaming me. The speed of the gossip was rapid. After three weeks, my term was over. I might give it another go with better choices next semester. I enjoy a good rivalry. The CR elections were deemed invalid to me because there were no other candidates swinging for the role. It was just me and a female representative, Andrea. 

chapter 2: exposure problem

Published: 1 Apr/2023 | Free Read

As classes were in session, we had the opportunity to introduce ourselves. After introducing myself so many times, I shared the opinion of a large portion of my peers who thought this ritual was a pointless activity. I couldn't think of a way to describe myself differently every time. Our statistics lecturer provided me with my initial introduction. I spoke to the class about my desire to succeed in the railroad examinations. Yet, I quickly lost interest in repeating myself in front of every new professor we encountered and in every new class. 

On the dice, many students shook uncomfortably. I didn't experience that issue. Although I haven't had any formal training in public speaking, I do try to pick up confidence from those who perform well on stage before me. I can visualize the crowd in the front by putting myself in their shoes. I must practice public speaking at least once every three to five days to stay safe; otherwise, I risk developing anxiety from a lack of practice. After going for several weeks without speaking at all, our minds enter a condition of emergency and turmoil when the lecturer asks us to give a presentation. The days leading up to the presentation are all mayday. We are unsure of our presentation strategy. I have seen performers, myself included, who are quaking uncontrollably from the bottom of their teeth to the top of their heads. This is also my final call. I no longer have to care about my anxiety once I'm on stage. I'm being watched. I'm being observed. I have to display my most assertive attitude and personality color, which is bold and confident.

I prefer it more when the teacher assigns me to speak on stage right away without giving me any time to prepare. Overthinking is the result of thinking, which only makes you anxious. When I speak in front of a group of people, time is my enemy. Too much time was given for the anxiety to grow. My chest is in excruciating discomfort. Once I've been exposed to something, time is only my friend because I no longer care about my anxiety. Because of this, there is no buildup, and I can use the time to get ready for my speech.

chapter 3: blooming flowers

Published: 2 Apr/2023 | Controversial Content

I made several friends around this time. One of the first individuals I met and the first to recognize my introverted side was Andrea. Our previous differences in hobbies prevented us from getting along, but on the whole, our personalities were compatible. She had a style of thinking that I found admirable, and as time went on, she started telling me about other events in her life. I have excellent listening skills and am exceptional at maintaining information confidential. It's more like when someone confides in me about a bit of their private life, I might carry that information with me forever. It was Andrea who fit the bill. She shared personal details with me, but I dare not speak about mine. My personality would not make me so clearly identifiable. It would be impossible to drill through my protective layers. But I will admit that I occasionally confide in Andrea. We take pictures, walk to elsewhere without a plan, drink at times until our heads got out of hand, Andrea was a fun person to hang with.

I had to commute daily to and from college by metro or subway while still living at home with my parents. Our college is only a short two kilometers from the station, and it would take no more than twenty minutes to walk there. One day, while I was walking quickly toward the exit, Bob gave me a pat on the back. He walked me to the subway and spoke about several topics. On the list were friends, family, and previous education. Bob got off the train at Nagasandra, which was roughly 20 stops from where we got on. We quickly become close friends since I was certain that our hobbies were compatible. One thing Bob taught me was to be accountable for the connections I had. Bob is highly picky about the friends he chooses to hang out with. Also, if I am one of his close friends, I must learn to treat my friends like pearls and fleeting valuables. Bob's greatest quality was this. He would never disappoint his buddies. He is also extremely picky for this reason.

Somewhere around the middle of February, three more folks arrived. Three women, we liked and complied with. After class, Diana and Lisa joined us for juice and a snack called "kachori." Through Bob, the two girls were introduced to us. Bob had a funny, enthusiastic demeanor all over. The only issue was that Bob would be referred to as "Bro" rather than "Bob" later, which made him gloomy at best. Andrea did not get along well with Diana and Lisa because her interests and their went in opposite directions. Diana and Lisa goes on to become Bob's close pals, leaving the sights for me and Andrea to watch painfully. 

chapter 4: drift away

Published: 3 Apr/2023 | Controversial Content

Two weeks had roughly passed. We would discuss how Bob and his new friends started to slip away from us. How the team we once loved fell apart. Andrea sought to resolve the issue of how and why this occurred. She asks me to get Bob to meet up with her briefly so they can talk. I assure you that Andrea was extremely frustrated by friends breaking up. I was sad for Andrea since she was going through a phase, even though this didn't even cross my mind once. She blames the incident to herself. She speculates that perhaps it was because she did not get along with Diana and Lisa. 

I met with her along with Bob. I moved a few steps farther away from them before closing in. Back in my original standing position, Andrea helps me get Bob to respond to her questions while holding onto my palm. Her heart was racing, and I could feel it. I started to feel a strong emotional bond with Andrea at that point. When two people clasp hands, it is something. The conversation didn't resolve any problems, but as they say, "time heals everything," so will this. Am I correct? Nope. Wrong. The next week, Andrea started to distance herself from me. I now understand why—I changed personalities. Nobody enjoys the more reserved side of myself. 

Bob departed first, and now Andrea? I was unable to comprehend any circumstance I had encountered. I used to be so taunted by friendship breakups that I would just cry for weeks. For my sensitive mindset, missing a lost significant other is a major thing. I figured I might not have the right to go talk to Diana and Lisa either since I met them through Bob. But, I would always feel guilty for being split apart because Andrea and Bob got to know each other through me.

chapter 5: past tense

Published: 4 Apr/2023 | Free Read

Since my typical weekday includes an hour in the library, I enjoy Wednesdays. My attendance for the hour will be recorded once I place my finger on the biometric scanner. Trying hard to speak in Kannada with librarian gave me a sense of relief, a feeling that there is more hope of friendships in my class. I just had to go speak to people. My CR role was rumored to be diminished because I stuck to my circle and never went across to speak to other people boys and girls in my class. 

I went from being ecstatic to never smiling. When they caught a sight of my face, few professors suspected that I might be sick. I would only read horror books at home to pass the time. I did not want to do anything else because the departure of Andrea and Bob had left me so weak. The last time I went through a similar stage in my life was around 2020, when my best friend Don abruptly ended things with me. After his Whatsapp barring tactic, I replied to him via email and expressed my sincere regret for what had happened. On the plus side, I wrote in the mail about the good moments I had with him. He never received the mail, therefore he was never able to read my message to him, which was about three pages words long.

A person I miss every day is Angel. I occasionally take long, tiresome walks, sometimes traveling a distance of five to seven kilometers. I pass by locations where Angel and I made some of our most priceless moments. Angel was a nerdy scientist. Her words often contained strange jargon which I always googled later while pretending to understand her. We went on our first date to a planetarium and a museum. Prolly our second and third dates were at scientific locations. One was a the HAL aeronautical museum. I would simply follow along as she chose the locations. When I had to take her to my favorite places, she came along with me. The first of these was the BYPL metro depot, a gorgeous Namma Metro station and depot with repair bays and cleaning facilities for trains. I would never inform her that this station was extremely close to where my house is located. Angel was extremely jittery, and occasionally her decisions were completely illogical.

chapter 6: cold petals

Published: 5 Apr/2023 | NSFW (Sensitive Content)

Spring was beginning to emerge. A weather for lavender-colored flowers blooming all over the city and seedlings sprouting with illness at our campus came with the season. Several classmates had been absent for multiple days straight, along with teachers who had missed lectures and the election of a new student representative. The person who succeeded me quickly demonstrated his unworthiness when one of my teachers voiced her displeasure with the newly elected male CR. As a representation, Andrea remained. The recent office holder did not triumph in a fair election. His opponent was a class-disliked peer who intentionally set himself up to lose because he had asked for it.

My body started to exhibit feverish symptoms after a week. I made an effort to conserve energy and maintain my mask of calm as I shared a rental room with Bob and another friend who was enrolled in an online MBA program. On a Friday, I started to get incredibly agitated and my hands and legs started to give out on me. I felt scratchy in my throat and feared an approaching fever. I gave my family a phone call to inquire how things were doing. Mum tells me about Dad's road accident on the route between Bangalore and Chennai. By some miracle, Dad was fine.

The impact with the oil truck that was parked had been completely absorbed by the car. A youngster leaped in front of Dad's car as he was traveling at about 60 km/h. Unable to fully apply the brakes, the car strayed to the left before colliding with the rear of a transport lorry carrying Petrol. I informed my roommates of the situation as soon as my mother's end of the phone call cut off and then started packing my things to Uber back home. Mom had already departed for Vellore to check on Dad and pick up the towed-away car from service. They warned that the wait for a car return may last up to a week. My beloved beagle, Miffy, and my older brother Kevin were waiting for my unannounced arrival at home.

chapter 7: fever week

Published: 6 Apr/2023 | NSFW (Sensitive Content)

I get a fever on Saturday morning at about five. I start the day by making a mess in my room and on the balcony from excessive number of vomiting episodes. When Miffy enters the room, she hears me making unheard-of noises on the floor, choking on my vomit, and bleeding off my ears from the extreme heat. Miffy barks in alarm as she bolts from the room. Kevin speeds into my room and tries to wake me up. He pulls my right hand to align my body to a sitting position. I feel movement in my throat and start to cough too many times, loudly. 

Standing next to the study table, Miffy patiently observes me. Kevin provides me with a glass of medicated lukewarm water once I've cleared my throat to aid with the choking. As soon as I feel Miffy's breath on my face, my eyes start to open. Kevin sighs a smile. 'At around eight, we'll visit the hospital. Try to hold up till then', he advises. As he waits a while and returns to his room with Miffy at his feet, I look up and nod 'yes.' At the hospital, the doctor asks me what color the vomit was. I reply 'green'. Kevin wondered if I was just trying make fun. His suspicions were interrupted when the doctor prescribed a few medicines and a scan report to check what was going on with my liver. Something to do with excessive bile production. 

Upon reaching home, the puking sensations had stop as I took some medicines before and after having a tiny amount of porridge. A few minutes later, intense chest pain had begun. I did not want to tell Kevin because he was already scared after Dad's accident story and now my fever. I could see the pain in Miffy's eyes as well. I covered the ache with my usual mask and climbed upstairs with the little energy I had to watch my favorite tv show 'Rick And Morty'.

chapter 8: comeback story

Published: 7 Apr/2023 | Free Read

Everyone appreciates a good comeback tale. On Thursday morning, our organizational behavior professor calls me forward to discuss the topic that my group was assigned. My date was missed since I was not present when my team delivered their presentation. Yet, yesterday, April 6, was an excellent day for a comeback tale. Everyone in the class knew this. They remarked, "The old Rohan, we missed him, is back." You might not have guessed that the chapter "Exposure Problem" would help for a comeback narrative when you read it. Yesterday, when my body seized control, my vivacious personality came back to life, and my true self emerged from those gloomy introverted blinds, the Exposure Issue was resolved. I believed that yesterday was my luckiest day. I've never felt so motivated. Not everything in this chapter is about me. It concerns a specific person who I kept a secret from you until now. Up till this time. Prior to Chapter 8. 

She goes by Zohra. That is, in fact, her genuine name. She had requested me to write about her in the chapters before, but I couldn't think of anything to write since I was so afraid of what I may say. Without a doubt, I'll write a chapter only for Zohra, maybe more. 

chapter 9: 

Published: 7 Apr/2023 | Free Read